Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Corona BLM Life in Colorado

Staying inside is not good for me, and that much I know is true out of all this Corona Crazy. Talon, on the other hand, doesn't want to go outside at all. "This is my home, this is where I live, this is where I'll stay and I'm never leaving this chair." I shit you not, he said those words verbatim. It's 9:21am, and he's eating ice cream for morning snack because ...  because.

Winter Park Resort closed its doors the morning of March 15th, 6 weeks early. It ended with me laying off 1,234 seasonal employees, sending them out the door with one week extra pay to get them home, or to wherever they needed to get. It didn't feel good. It's times like this I don't love my job. I find joy and purpose by helping people, and right now, I feel helpless. I am grocery shopping for neighbors, I am here for people if they want to talk, but it doesn't feel like enough.

I started the first two paragraphs above and never finished. It's now July, and while things have reopened, closed down again, reopened again with restrictions, etc., life just feels weird. I feel like most parents who can't plan anything, including school. School not opening means not working for most parents, or working from home while trying to teach full time while trying not to lose your mind.

I live in a very liberal part of the state, which makes it hard when everyone, including the company I work for supports Black Lives Matter. I don't, and I have my reasons, but I won't dive into that here. Maybe some day, but I feel very secluded in my thoughts and sometimes wonder what it's all for. Do black lives matter? Yes. Do I support Black Lives Matter? No. Do I home school Talon? If I put him in school, I'm selfish. If I home school, I'm scared. It's a very tricky position to be in as any parent. It's a different life Talon will grow up in. I hand him a mask, and he doesn't even think twice. He just puts it on. That breaks my heart. Hopefully, he will have a childhood without a mask but I'm not holding my breath for it.

Is this when I pack up all my bags, savings, and move to 20 acres and live off the land? Surely a lot of people are thinking about it. Feels surreal. Between Black Lives Matter, and Corona Virus, I might move off into the country and start shooting anyone who comes onto my property. 

Life in photos...
Talon's classroom post COVID reopening

Escape for a solo day on the rio with Ziggy
Hammock snuggles
Chorble time in the backyard
Talon and his GF, Remi
He loves reading like mama!
Family road trip to visit the Hodgdon's! 
Dumplin and Ziggy - my two favorites!


Visit to Taos, and my vision for "Nonnie's"

Thanks COVID - theater to ourselves

Freddy, Talon, Ollie, and Remi

Hike up to Byers Peak 

Talon and Remi livin their best life in the woods






Thursday, May 16, 2019

Catch-up 2019

I've had a few people ask for an update, and since I'm not on social media (nor was I ever good at it), I suppose I ought to put a few thoughts and happenings down here.

Talon is now 4, and thank God. Three was awful. Terrible two's my ass. Two was terrific. Three was throw-down tantrum tornadoes. So happy to get into where we are now. The highlight of his 4th birthday was drinking his first glass of real milk. He was severely allergic for so long, he's finally grown out of it. He was weary at first, but realized it's much better than the hippie cashew milk mom used to make him drink :)


I've really enjoyed the small moments. I used to only write and post when there was something going on, but you come to realize that's not real life. The internet has become a place of distraction to look at how great the lives of others are. My life is pretty great and that alone is enough to brag about. My kid is healthy (kind of), I have an awesome house in the mountains next to great people who I've surrounded myself and lean on as a community. We take care of each other. I've become a bit tired of the cold here in the winter, and I'm ready for summer. It wasn't as cold as years past, but we had constant single digit days. Coldest it got here in Tabernash was -37°F. My pipes didn't freeze though so I've got that going for me.



So, Talon asked me if he could have hair like Maddox. This was difficult to answer, because Maddox is black and I was trying to explain to a 4 year-old how a white kid can't have hair like that. He said, "no, I mean his hair doesn't get into his eyes when he runs, but my hair gets into my eyes." Well that was easy enough, though I was sad to see it go. I love his hair long, but he wanted it short. So that's what he got one day when he walked down to Morgan's house and asked if she would please cut his hair.


It's time to get back on the river this year, and I'm really excited for what's to come. Morgan and Riley have two boats now, so she and I are going to use the raft, while Riley uses the drift boat. I have to learn how to row for fishing, so it should be a good learning year! I went to the Arkansas River a few weeks ago, and even though the water was a bit low, Browns Canyon was still really enjoyable. Here's a shot downriver looking up at Zoom Flume.



I've been craving the ocean. I can't believe I've been gone for so long. Last time I surfed was in southern Baja last February and the waves were mediocre at best. I had a great time but I'm ready for Trestles and sunshine. I had a trip planned for the Middle Fork of the Salmon but decided it's best not to go on that trip, so I'll go home while I have a sitter and get my fill of salt water and tacos.

There's my update. All is well and I'm pretty content here. I miss the ocean, but that will always be there and somewhat attainable. Back to the simple life of me and Tman. Here are some photos from the past couple years since I haven't posted anything (sorry).

Fall of 2018

Fall of 2018


Morgan and I enjoying a lunch / ride break! 


The simplicity of being a boy

Jim Creek Summer 2018

North Georgia visiting Stacey and Sean |  January 2019
 Carter (3), Jayme (8), Taylor (2), Talon (3), and Matthew (6)

Stace, me and Sis

Talon's first Avalanche Game with Tractor Dave (he actually had fun)


Snowshoeing in our back yard. Was -10 and he never complained.



Talon the conductor.

Walkin around in Montana 

Visiting Nana and Nonnie. 

Talon is reading Nana a story 

Uncle Ralphie! 

Last day skiing. Already jumping and loves the trees. 


Sunday, January 1, 2017

Reflection

Life has been pretty uneventful since September, and I suppose "uneventful" is a relative term so I'll elaborate by saying my every day routine is just that - it's routine and I'm getting extremely anxious to go play.  I don't have internet at home so I snuck away for a few hours while Rory is in town visiting and watching Talon. I need to write because I feel like my head is going to explode otherwise.

I have this photo printed and it sits at my desk so I can escape reality every once in awhile to go here. I miss the cold ocean air in the morning, the warm sun in the afternoon, and the salt in my hair. I'm hoping for a week to escape in May or June when I'm home for Lo's wedding. Fingers crossed.

Some of the bigger life happenings right now include Talon's first haircut (I wanted to cry), little sis had baby #2 this month, Talon got bit by a dog, I got a promotion at work, and my mom finally moved to Montana.

Some of the photos to come will speak for themselves, and obviously, the biggest constant in my life is Talon. While I get overwhelmed and inpatient with him, it's all been put into perspective lately that he's a huge blessing in my life, and probably what God knew I needed to keep me grounded and focused.


I've gotten away from writing, and it's a shame really, because I feel writing composes a lot of who I am. It's how I decompress and I've found the more I write, the more calm I feel. This week has tested my patience and my strength as a woman, a mother, and a partner I no longer am. I don't have any idea where this post is going so just hang on.

I've been a single mom since May of this year, and without any family in the area, it's hard to rely on people - especially because my biggest weakness is asking for help. I've been giving, and going, and I always "have it together," but after 6 months, my tank has finally run dry. I go for a run at lunch while I have child care and that's been my only break. Otherwise, the only time to myself is from 5am-7am when Talon is asleep and I have time to drink an entire French Press of café  de olla in a dark, quiet kitchen with nothing but the oven light on.

I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining by any means, if anything, this has been a big life lesson for me and time for reflection. I've learned a lot about myself, one of the biggest being my reliance on men to make me happy. I'm taking this time to make myself happy, and be okay in the moments when I'm truly not.

Since I was 16 years old, I've never truly been single. I've gone from one relationship right into the next and it takes a few months into the new relationship before I really appreciate that person and move on from the last. This last round was tough because I never moved on from my previous relationship, and while I can't ever live in the past, it put a lot of things into perspective. Weakness #2 is I over analyze EVERYTHING. 

Rory and I met in May of 2015, and within 2 months, I was pregnant with Talon. To be completely real, I had my bags packed and was heading for the Canadian border one day (no exaggeration) before finding out I was pregnant. When I found out,  I cried, and then I moved on. I had to. I felt compelled to stay. Now 21 months have passed, I stand firm in the belief I'm not doing Talon any favors by forcing a square peg into a round hole. I don't believe in making something work for the kids. I want Talon to know what love is, and it should be real and not forced. He might be resilient, but he's not dumb.

So here I sit - I'm 32, I'm single (and really happy), I have a child who needs me, and I have to stay strong. Not just for him, but for me too. I've always relied on other people to hold me up, but not this time. I will be strong not just for Talon, but for me. An old friend once told me, "you, and you alone, are in charge of your own happiness." It's such a simple statement, but holds a lot of power. If I'm not who I truly am without the influence of others telling me what I am, I'll never be the best version of myself.

With all that in mind, I'm going to make some big life changes and I'm excited for a new year, a fresh start, and a new way to love myself and my greatest adventure yet - TALON. This kid has really brought happiness to my life, and even more - a purpose. Going down the line of photos, T and I hiked almost every weekend this summer. Outside is his happy place! This year, he wasn't scared of Santa, but more curious. He loves dogs, and the photo below is a photo of a small dog he was loving on at Thanksgiving. The photo of his face cut up was the night after we processed deer meat at a friend's house, and Talon got in the dogs face. This dog was an 11 year old grouch, and much larger. He was done playing, but Talon insisted, and before I could push Talon away, the dog bit his face. A scary moment I don't ever want to relive and luckily, Talon isn't scared of dogs, but he definitely has more respect for their personal space. The irony? Talon bites people if they get in his face. Go figure. The others are randoms, including Christmas Eve at the Winter Park Resort Torchlight Parade when my friend Meaghan and I got too close, and we crashed in the trees and she proceeded to light my neck on fire. I would do it all over again, it was so much fun and I only had to shave parts of my neck instead of my entire head :)  Enjoy!